There is an alarming increase in the amount of people obsessed with being healthy and living longer.  They don’t drink or smoke, they agonise over what foods will give them the correct nutritional balance.  I have actually seen people running! And I don’t mean away from something, they just run because it’s apparently good for them.  And what is the result of all this ‘good’ living.  Well it seems it turns a person into a self-righteous cock blender with a few extra years of being old.

Great plan, because old age doesn’t care how healthy you were when you were young, once you’re old, you’re old, and old equals crap.

Can you spot which fossil spent their youth doing drugs, drinking and partying every night and which one didn’t ? Of course not.

Getting better with age refers to red wine and whisky, everything else turns to shit, especially people.  I went to a party last week and noticed there were no old people. Then it struck me that everything I had done recently that was even remotely fun was devoid of old people and this terrifies me because old age is a disease everybody is born with.  We are all marching inexorably towards the retirement home and I cant imagine that being a fun place to be.

So why are we so obsessed with living longer? As with all our beliefs the onus lies squarely on television.  Oh yeah according to television being old is a 24 hour party.  Check out Mrs Mangle, The entire cast of Cocoon, Yoda and the most diabolical of all… Angela Lansbury.  ‘Murder she wrote’ is a classic example of giving a totally false view of the ageing process; an octogenarian crime writer who busts crime wide open on her spare afternoons, when she’s not collecting her pension. 

I can tell you with unequivocal honesty that if my cleverly crafted crime was thwarted by Angela ‘looks like a scrotum’ Lansbury I would stand up in court and demand I was sentenced to death for being a complete spastic.

If we truly loved and respected our senior relatives we probably wouldn’t put them in homes and wheel them out (literally in some instances) for special occasions.  Just as a reminder for will writing time.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, if you are getting old there are some benefits you can look forward to.  You don’t have to worry about Armageddon, in fact that might be something to look forward to.  Another bonus is the elderly become impervious to heat.  No matter how hot it gets you can guarantee old people will be putting on an extra scarf and jumper.

It’s ironic that the very best part of living a healthy natural life and getting old is the endless supply of prescription drugs, which I am sure grandparents slip to their younger relatives to entice them into a return visit.  Little kids are the only group of people who dig the elderly, they almost explode with excitement at the thought of a visit to ‘Grammy’s’ and why? Because they are hooked on the shit that ‘Gram’s’ is pushing.

Most of my early memories of my grandparents are hazy at best, purple hazy if you know what I mean.  So what is the answer?  Well next time you’re about to say no to drugs, or do something that you think might make you live longer, stop.  Have fun now, drink booze, take drugs, have sex, do something stupid, do something dangerous.  Don't save up your life for later because you may not get the withdrawal you were hoping for.